From Little Seeds Great Rainbows Grow

Writing is restorative and offers great calm when storms are rumbling over head. It provides an outlet when thoughts become overwhelming, when life is too challenging and when those around us let us down. Writing provides purpose when life feels purposeless. When the stresses and strains stretch us that little too far and when, God forbid, reaching for another bottle of wine won’t make troubles go away. Just write.

The joy of writing is that when one starts it can be very hard to stop. Words carry thoughts that, when given an outlet, flow like a river running down a hill. Tumbling. Rumbling. Bumbling. Words wind through the gullies of one’s mind. They erode the edges to form new channels and new ways of thinking about old problems.

My writing is inspired by my children and the adventures we embark on together. Some are good. Some are bad. All are worthy. The road is long and the bends are sharp. One doesn’t always know what’s around the corner. But uncertainty isn’t an excuse to put the brakes on, on the contrary, it’s best approached at full throttle. Hesitation is an unhelpful companion that precludes new opportunities, new relationships and new possibilities. Faith is pinned on the hope that the road doesn’t run out and one won’t simply career over the edge into an abyss.

Turns out, finding the right school is a bit like that. We home schooled for a while. It wasn’t any easier than the conventional route, and it didn’t sit well with some, but to those who mattered, (the children) it gave them beautiful ways of thinking about the choices they make. We all have a choice, even when we feel, or perhaps, pretend we don’t. It’s really about conviction: have a thought, act on it, stand by it. It’s much easier to do nothing than it is to veer off course, hurtling into the unknown. Yet it’s there, in those crevices of uncertainty, where exciting opportunities can be carved, good times are had and fond memories made. Home schooling was such a path. It was full of risk and great reward. It was also highly contentious, and so sadly, when push came to shove, my views got shoved and I was pushed. Life is full of compromise and surprise in equal measure. Having since discovered Oakridge and all the people that make it tick, I’m thankful for the nudge.

I kept a blog, even then, (www.homegrownlearners.co.uk). Much like photography, writing tells a story about people and their lives. Someday, when the children are all grown up, I can read the blogs I wrote and cherish those memories that might have otherwise been forgotten, or dare I say, never existed. Another life would have passed me by had I not had the conviction to step off the precipice. It might have stitched things up for me in other ways, but I don’t dwell on regret. I’m glad I did it. I’m thankful for the memories. They act as a record of our experiences, a reminder of our mistakes and a celebration of our achievements.

No school, except Oakridge, has ever let me forget my home schooling days. Apparently that’s why my children are so ‘behind’. Of course, it has nothing to do with the unrealistic expectations of the national curriculum. Dipping one’s toe back in the water of a murky pond one didn’t want to swim in felt unnerving. It put us on a collision course with an unwanted fate. When one is given the ultimate ultimatum though, what’s a girl to do? Everyone has a choice, but when it’s forced upon us by other people, it’s not really our choice is it? Is it fair that others put us in that position? No, but it’s part of a puzzle that, frustratingly, always seems to have a piece missing.

In my mind, (based on previously bad experiences) all schools were the same: prescriptive and apparently unable to develop any sense of self within a child. Like a fun sponge soaking up childhood. No thank you. Those who know me know I don’t conform well. Why would I want anything different for my children? Schools produced sheep and I didn’t want my children to follow the rest of the herd. I don’t. I’d sooner walk over the edge of a cliff than follow in the footsteps of someone else. I bring my children up with the same mindset. In a world that is positively overcrowded, I’m always amazed at how many boring people there are. Why stand in the same field as them? It’s true, I’m not very well travelled. Maybe I just haven’t discovered the corner of the world yet where all the interesting people live. I know it doesn’t really exist, but as a bit of a black sheep myself, it’s nice to imagine it might. Perhaps that’s why I was drawn to Oakridge: it too had a flock with other black sheep in.

In difficult times it’s important to keep one’s head up. Look forward, not down. Easier said than done. The darkest times shed the most light and give the greatest lessons. Trust more, worry less. Think less. Act more. If instinct says jump, then jump. Take a leap. What’s the worst that can happen? Consequences are just the fallout of what is probably a very good decision. Chances are if it feels right, it probably is, and if it doesn’t, do it anyway. It’s not always easy to go after the thing we desire most, especially as we get older, but don’t let fear back you into a corner. For whatever reason, sometimes the people closest to us loose sight of the choices available to them. It’s up to us to help guide them back, if they’ll let us. I want my children to grow up as individuals who follow their own minds and not the will of others. To have the strength to stand by their convictions, no matter how bold. Children believe in the impossible because they don’t know the rules yet. Adults would do well to remember that. I’m thankful that I still do. Maybe it’s my inner child speaking. We all have one. Some people are just more tuned into theirs than others. I’m one of the lucky ones. Or maybe it’s my ability to maintain a sense of humour when there really isn’t anything funny to laugh about. Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone. It’s very true.

Am I happy now? To a degree. I don’t do well with the norm or the mundane. I constantly fight both. That’s where schools and I have disagreed in the past. I’m hard to tame. My heart belongs in the wilderness, not in the school playground. Thankfully, Oakridge doesn’t have a playground as such, so maybe I’m okay there. Maybe that’s why it sits well with me. Still, school pick up remains a debacle of small talk and interrupted conversations. It’s a dreary existence that’s hard to escape no matter which school one ends up at. Yet despite the fog, one can always find a bit of colour, especially at Oakridge. Thank God. I dance through the world wearing a smile. I’m thankful for that. I know what I see and I see what I want. There’s no grey area. Surround yourself by those who make you feel good. Forget about the ones who don’t.

Oakridge is a gorgeous little school that sadly few have heard of and even fewer have had the joy of experiencing. It’s a rare gem among the rubble. One wishes it could be our own little secret, but one realises that the future of the school needs those who love it to shout about how great it is, not speak about it in whispers. That’s one of the reasons why I started the allotment. The project has helped to rejuvenate the school and many of the parents, myself included. It has provided a nucleus for growth and discovery. Any seeds of self doubt have been well weeded and in their place happy shoots now grow. That’s not to say the weeds don’t ever grow back. They do, of course. Keeping them in check depends on how much time one has. Sadly I’m the type of person who won’t do anything about something until it’s absolutely necessary. Ignore a problem and it won’t go away. I really ought to have learned that lesson by now. The roots just get longer, stronger and ultimately more tricky to untangle. Don’t let a problem get so big that it’s totally overwhelming by the time you go to weed it. It’s not a good plan. Most of us should know better. A few people in particular spring to mind. Of course, it depends on how stubborn the weed is as to how easy it is to remove. It also depends on how determined the person is at the other end. Experience has taught me, if left unresolved, problems only come back bigger and badder. Best get to the root of them.

The children have enjoyed many valuable lessons on the allotment since it’s first inception less than a year ago. Opportunities have been created for them that they wouldn’t have otherwise had. Fond memories too, hopefully. Much satisfaction is felt knowing one is making a real difference to the education of these kids. That’s one of the reasons I homeschooled and why I was so nervous about putting my children back into the system. I loved being involved in their learning journey. How would I still be able to have that involvement once they were back in school? How would I, or more to the point, they, be able to retain any sense of control over what they were learning? How would they even fit in? My son, in particular, is much like me. We’re round pegs. No matter how hard you try and push us into a square hole, we just don’t fit and we resent being forced.

It’s true, I’m not much of a traveller and people often ask me why. Apart from the obvious financial limitations, and of course those two small people who hang off me constantly, oh, and the fact I’m not a massive fan of flying, I find the real world a little overrated. I dare say there are some very beautiful places, but really, one gets on a plane, does an awful lot of damage to the environment in the process, and for what? To take a picture and slap it on instagram with a quip remark? I don’t see the point in that, (and as a photographer I feel well placed to be able to say that.)

My son and I are creative creatures, happiest exploring the spaces within our own minds than places in the real world. It feels safer, more inclusive and altogether more rewarding. I doubt very much that many people really take much time to get to know themselves, not properly. The world would be a better place for it if they did. The landscapes of our minds are far more interesting than any natural or manmade feature to be found on our planet, as beautiful as she is. In my mind it’s a never ending journey of discovery. There’s no map if one gets lost, (it’s actually really fun), no delays or cancellations and there’s no one else to bother you. It’s self indulgent, of course, but one can travel to the most amazing places, make the most amazing discoveries and unearth the most beautiful ideas. It’s a wonderful escape. The people who don’t get that are probably the ones waiting in terminal 5.

If one perseveres for long enough one eventually finds the answers they’re searching for. Many good things lie beyond the dark skies of uncertainty and upheaval. It all depends on how broad your shoulders are as to whether you can ride out the storm long enough to see the rainbow on the other side. Oakridge was worth the ride. However, it begs the question: how far is one willing to bend to the demands of others?

Some say love is blind. It really is. It makes people act against their better judgement, and yet, eventually, someone has to back down for the greater good. Sometimes life is all about pleasing others, and even then that’s not enough, but that’s love, apparently. Being stuck out on a limb on one’s own, when someone has told you that if you do this they will listen, and then they don’t. It’a a lonely place to be. More so, it’s utterly disappointing. Heartbreaking. Ultimately, one feels let down. Cheated. One looks up to the sky in search of a rainbow or other glimmer of hope only to realise that there is no pot of gold. Just a lot of pain. It’s a lesson I don’t want my children to be learning and one I don’t want to be teaching. It’s sad to see how neglected seeds can become. Those we planted when we were younger. Those of love and respect. It’s alarmingly apparent that had more care been shown, their demise could have been avoided. When tears fall it’s a reminder of the mistakes we’ve made and the regret we feel. Of course, those seeds aren’t gone forever. Not yet. They might sag under the weight of heavy expectation but there’s always a way back. I’m a child at heart, and like most children, mine believes in miracles.

Two weeks ago my own children took part in a seed saving workshop at school. The whole exercise was utterly uplifting. It acted as a great reminder about what all the hard work on the allotment is for. The children were mesmerised by the task of collecting seeds. Those magic beans were a colourful delight of wonderment. One could see why the children were captivated. It was shortly after the children’s seed saving workshop that I witnessed a rainbow arching across the horizon. As the children continued to busy themselves in its colourful shadow, collecting their seeds, one couldn’t help but wonder: what does lie at the end of a rainbow? With the subject of seeds still in the forefront of my mind, I couldn’t help but think that perhaps it’s not pots of gold, but actually something much more valuable.

It’s that thought which inspired me to write this blog. I can spend days lost in the wonder of words as they wind their way through the rhythms of my mind. I love the idea of rainbows growing from seeds. It’s a great metaphor for life, and hey, whose to say they don't? Rainbows are frequently associated with hope and new beginnings. I always wonder what one would look like if it was turned upside down. Would it not look happier? I’m not very good at hand stands so I can’t answer that question. However, I do know it’s something I’d frequently like to do to myself. Come to think of it, to a few other people I know. If only life were that simple.

In all seriousness, turning things on their head is never a bad thing. When you’re all out of ideas and feeling totally lost, just do it. If your eyes light up because you’re seeing the world in a whole new way for what feels like the very first time, then nothing’s lost. If you end up feeling giddy and unbalanced then take a moment to digest the new perspective. How we view our lives and our relationships can always be corrected. Not with glasses or contact lenses. Simply with a new way of thinking.

The greatest ideas start from the smallest of seeds and they can grow into the most dazzling rainbows. Rainbows we never dared dream of. The allotment for example, grew out of such a seed, as did my journey to Oakridge. We should never dare to dream or pursuit whole heartedly that which matters most to us. Those people who matter most to us. It comes back to our old friend: conviction. It’s a quality that a lot of us lack and yet most of us desire. We can choose the paths we take. We can choose the dreams we follow. We can choose the people we love. If we’re always too afraid to take the wrong turn or venture down a road we don’t know, how will we ever know what we’re missing out on? We pretend things are out of our control. That we don’t have a choice. That we simply get carried along by life without really ever asking why. That’s simply not the case. Nothing is ever beyond our reach. It’s only the limitations of our mind that would have us believe otherwise.

Whilst one is busy building empires, a crumbling city is left in their wake. Sadly, people don’t look back over their shoulder long enough to understand the devastation they leave behind. They’d do well to take a glance every now and then. Perhaps they don’t because they’re too afraid of what they might find. I can understand that. No one wants to see tears falling from the faces of those they love, especially from souls so young. No one wants to feel responsible for causing such heartache. As we grow old, and the tears dry, the wrinkles in our skin reveal years of hardship. Like great old weathered oaks. The lines only tell half the story. Yet a storm will always subside. The sun will always come out. There’s always a new horizon. Another chapter to the story. The past is in the past. Only the future awaits. It’s exciting and, for some, frightening. But don’t let that put you off. One can spend many years lost in a life chasing ghosts, but where’s the fun in that? I’m thankful I can see a bright and happy future. It’s unclear whose in it, my children of course, the allotment, which I love, my chickens, that’s a given. As for others, who knows. I keep an open mind, even though my heart would prefer I didn’t.

If a seed is the heart from which new life grows, then a rainbow is surely a sign of hope. But is it? Why does it hover in the dark clouds? Surely if it was happy it would hang out with the sun? It get’s you thinking. Perhaps a rainbow is simply the fall out of a broken heart that has no way of being able to express itself. It’s come from a seed that, for whatever reason, didn’t get the chance to grow. That’s why it hovers in the dark clouds. It brings light to dark places. To people who are in dark places. On the flip side, if a rainbow does stem from a broken place, then perhaps the joy it brings and the hope it promises is what keeps a broken heart beating. Keep the faith as they say. When one misses someone to such a strong degree, there’s a lot of love left over. Without anyone to lavish it on, there’s no where for it to really go. A rainbow is simply an outpour. It’s a huge heap of energy. We all want someone to scoop our heart up and hold it. Cherish it. Even those who are most distant. We never stop believing. If we could ever find the end of a rainbow, who would be waiting there for us?

Like hearts, seeds need warmth and love to grow. They need to be nurtured. If they aren’t given the right conditions in which to thrive, ultimately they’ll become stagnant. Shrivelled up. Trapped in their own brittle shell. Lost in the ground forever, never to be unearthed, even by those who love them the most. Children love to dig, so imagine the excitement if they dug up the love of someone closest to them? I can’t. I’ve tried. I’ve dug deep for many years and turned up very little. If one doesn’t want to be reached, one can bury themselves very well. Yet love is a gift that many of us should be more thankful for. We’d do well to show it a little more respect because it doesn’t reveal itself easily. Sadly one can only turn the soil over so many times before one realises it’s old, over worked and tired. Much like oneself. But is that a reason to give up? For the sake of our little people, one should persevere. We try our best to tell them it’s all going to be okay, but whose there telling us the same thing? One of the perks of enduring so much at such a young age is that it makes one very resilient. However, self preservation only gets one so far before even that runs out. When one gets to the end of the road there’s nothing there except a very simple need to be held and to feel loved.

I’m thankful for a lot of things. Mostly that I don’t hesitate. I live my life in full colour. All the colours of the rainbow in fact. It’s how everyone should live. Many do I’m sure, but equally, many don’t. There are plenty who fall somewhere in the middle. Who sit on the fence and enjoy the complimentary colours, (and possibly the odd glass of prosecco at the same time, depending on how middle class they are.) They’re bland, yes, but if they’re happy and not doing any harm, then where’s the problem? Surely it’s not that black and white? How different would our lives look if we all had the courage and conviction to live in a different colour? Why don’t we? Are we too set in our ways? Too scared? Too old? Too burdened? When we’re young our horizons are big and broad, we know no limits. Colours abound. As age becomes us, and the responsibilities of life weigh us down, those colours inevitably fade. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. However, it’s all too easy to slip into a grey haze. Live your life under a rainbow and its colourful shadow will cast a ray of happiness over you. Live in the shadows of rain clouds and you’ll never see joy on the horizon. My shadow brings a rainbow of happiness and hope, mostly to my children, sometimes to me, and infrequently to others.

It’s always darkest before the dawn and yet from dark shadows, clarity grows. The lowest points in our lives give us the greatest insight into the characters we are. I know who I am. I want my children to discover who they are. I never thought they’d be able to do that at school. Part of me still doesn’t. However, Oakridge is as close to homeschooling as we’re ever going to get. It’s overwhelming when one thinks about the vast number of schools we saw before stumbling across this precious little place. Yet for some reason, as fate would have it, (and I’m a great believer) our path was set. I’m thankful for the journey we’ve been on. That we’re still on. In the darkest times, when one struggles to make sense of any of it, being where we are now, surrounded by the people we now know, the struggle was all worth it. Of course, when one is in the thick of their own demise, one can't see the promise that’s hiding just around the corner. That’s why we take the leap. That’s why we career over the edge with no real plan or purpose. That’s why we stick two fingers up to the dull, well trodden path we always walk. Never dream about the possible. It’s the impossible we should aspire to.

A seed is just a ball of hope. A heart of someone we love. It’s a passion for someone we know we can never possess. It’s a small something from which great ideas grow. It’s up to us to work out how we plant that seed in the passage of our own lives. Indeed, if we want to plant it. How much does one want to unsettle the soil that one clearly feels comfortable in? Is it worth the heartache? Ultimately, it’s our choice.

As with people, seeds have a story all of their own to tell. Yet who really takes the time to pause on the page of someone they barely know, let alone someone they love? If we read between the lines we might understand the other side of the story that little bit better. We might be able to hear a voice other than our own. God forbid, we might even listen. One doesn’t have all the answers, (something I frequently tell my children, mainly when they’re upset at bedtime because they don’t understand when life got so complicated.) The key is to hold on to what matters most. Regardless of how successful one becomes. How ambitious one gets. How lost one feels. Always keep one eye on the horizon. Never loose sight of what’s important. Nothing else matters. Our hearts are just tiny seeds, perhaps broken and a little lost, but where there’s love, there’s hope, and that’s a seed worth saving.